people say 'i can't'

but all i hear is 'i don't really want to'

'i can't drive all the way to provo to see you'

'i can't take you out for ice cream, i don't have any time'

these these lines sound like they are things boys would say to me. because they are. i have actually heard those two lines word for word. let's talk about that second line. at the time when this was delivered i felt i learned a great principle in the dating world. of course there were other teaching tools that contributed but i realized that if this guy really wanted to do something with me, he would. simple as that. i also decided not to take this too hard, it's not worth it. mind you, this idea (it's not worth it) is revolutionary. that coming from me is huge, because i am the girl who can cry for months at a time. i just have a hard time moving on. i'm getting sooooo better though. but this isn't a post about dating/more like not dating.

so this thing is frustrating for me. people saying 'oh i really wish i could' but i can't decide how to react. would i really rather hear 'i just don't really want to.' i'm thinking maybe i'll just be excited that i deciphered the human/american language, and i can just translate it automatically, as i hear it. and i'm scratching my brain for the past week about what i could post about as it has to be something funny, or something i really care about, or something i want to tell you. so i was all excited when i turned this thought into a post idea, and in order to not be a prude and just get on here and rip on everyone who has ever told me they can't i had to close with something nice that really made me look good. 

thank you google blogger for the life lesson. it was like a ford f150 t-boning a turquoise buick skylark near cottonwood high school... but more like a blinding brilliant light from heaven. i have never applied this idea to me and myself. i think things like

'i can't eat healthier'

'i can't run consistently'

'i can't get to bed on time'

'i can't read and pray everyday'

'i can't getter better grades like these genius zoobs'

and duh duh duh, duh duh

are you getting the picture that heaven is painting? yeesh mal. you can do whatever you WANT.

so yesterday i asked myself this question at least 15 times a minute for like an hour. "yeah but what do you want?"

i'm about to do something brave. change. i know, i know. "but you've never done this mal" "i don't care, i'm doin it now" and the other brave thing is i am going to tell you about them. crap i might feel more accountable. i hope i'm prepared for that.

• fingers don't belong in mouths. and that's final (dad won't have to smack my hands anymore)
• i'm taking care of this body by giving it a proper workout everyday at 5:30... heaven help me
• i'm studying more. i'm getting better grades
• i'm going to be honest with people. and kind.
• i'm reading everyday. and saying my p's

on another note, the dope who told me he couldn't drive ALL THE WAY TO PROVO (so sad for him right now, right?) is such drama.

text messages:

'hey i'm coming to provo to see some mission buddies next weekend, would you want to hangout?'

(on the advice of a wise sister)

'thanks for thinking of me, but i'm not interested'

... five days later. another text.

'i know why you are mad at me. its hard for me to want to see you and not being able to. i would really like to come down and see you this weekend'

you're feeling for him right? so am i!

don't worry all my loved ones, i next-ed him.

also, i took a freshman out on a date last night. it fell in the category of good dates. (now the total is like 2 or 3...) readers, yay or nay?