I have fun with you,

but I'm not looking for anything serious right now. You've heard the line before, even if it wasn't directed at you, I'm sure you've seen it on an episode of Friends, Seinfeld, or the movie Hitch. I'm going to respectfully suggest that this is not what anyone really believes. What homeboy is trying to say is "nothing about having a serious relationship with you gets me really excited, so I don't really want to."

Remember how I talked about disappointment blending together? When something like this happens and I strangely just do not react like I did two years ago I can't help but think of my parents. Hear me out. I'm like whatever when I hear that. I get sad, then the next day I'm like "Who? Oh him? I don't know." Then I have to remember the boy I kissed first and how many tears I cried over the ugly ending. And I wonder how much heartache and disappointment one person will eventually go through. I have to think that my parents have had just as much heartache up until their 22 birthdays as I have, plus the 30 some additional years. Doesn't it blow your mind? I know.

I've always wanted to have the ability to avoid reacting to situations around me and I think I'm another step closer. Bring on the heartbreak.

Sentimental Girl

I've always felt like a small fish in a big big pond here in Happy Valley. I've felt like a little freshman who had confidence in spades in high school who suddenly finds her jokes completely out of touch with all these adults. Then one day, I show up to school and there are these little little girls who tell me how much they want to get married and how the game plan is to bake her boyfriend goodies until she gets a ring. And there is another little girl who cries because her roommates are super lame and I sit down and count 26 roommates I've lived with over the past 3 years and I try to convince her that one day these roommates and failed tests will blend in with all the other disappointments.

I look for jobs and so many are out of Utah, which is the only home I've ever known, and I wonder if I leave Provo single and go to some city in the Midwest have I just wasted the last 4 years? Single members come to this town from all over the world, and I am too picky to find one, and I'm about to hit up some city where my chances statistically must be reduced by an estimate of about 98.9%.

But I try to tell her that even though your dishwasher has sewage water backed up in it for the 13th time this semester, and that boy in your ward shoved your face in ice cream in a crowded Coldstone on your first date that there are still things to be happy about. I'm so happy for the mountains and the weather. And the temple and walks to school and the visits from your big brothers. And your niece just appearing in the Clyde where I spend 80% of my life. On top of that, your nephew gave you three kisses in a row on Sunday. It's kind of funny that you live in a dump and you are so poor you can't see New Moon. I get happy spending my time watching youtube videos with my friends and playing uno and volleyball. And honestly people would probably tell me I shouldn't be happy. But the thing I'm most grateful for is that my parents are married. I'm so thankful my brothers are married to my sister-in-laws and that everyone keeps trying to be a family even though we don't always say nice things to eachother. My buddy just went home for a custody battle over her younger siblings and my other little girlfriend ran away from home when she was 16. I don't really care anymore that my GPA is so low and that I don't weigh 130lbs. All I want to do is sit around the kitchen table and quote movie lines with my brothers.

And I think stuff like this every minute of every day counting day the moments to graduation when my world will really be turned upside down again. I can't help it. I want the time to slow down, and so it just keeps getting faster. I just try to enjoy every moment in apartment 16 even more.

The L3

I had to take a test this week called the L3. It stands for Level 3 [competencies.] In order to graduate with a degree in Chemical Engineering, I have to pass this test of 24 questions by answering 23 of them correctly. I get three tries, and on the second and third tries, I only have to answer a question for every competency that I missed. So the first time, most people missed between 2 and 5. If you missed 5 questions, you only have to take a test with 5 questions and if you answer 4 correctly, then you're done. If you don't pass in three tries, you have to spend another year here repeating classes.Make sense?

Well on my first try, I was completely shocked to miss 10. Yes, 10. I was pretty devastated. I took the test for the second time on Friday and finished at 8 o'clock, which under normal circumstances I would have been very upset I was on campus that late at all. I was so pumped actually, because I missed two questions this time. So my confidence in graduating in April has actually come into being. I think I'm gonna do this. And I so enjoy the feeling of knowing I'm going to graduate and not spend an extra year repeating classes like a beloved Tommy Boy.